I'm feeling a lot of mixed emotions and I honestly can't remember the last time I felt comfortable. I'm not even sure if it's normal to feel as restless as I am.
My dream is to be stable enough in all all aspects of my life that I'm already able to help other people. Right now, I'm just trying to stay ahead of everything. It's like I'm in a rat race. I'm actually in love with the adrenaline rush that I usually feel but I'm just more tired than I ever was. My only goal for today is to find an inspiration. It's also my goal for every day.
Sometimes, I wish for my head to stop thinking. I wish that I can just close my eyes and vanish. I hate myself for being so deep. I hate myself for always being poetic and for trying to think of a reason for every occurrence in my life. I also hate myself for not being able to share the many great ideas in my head. Sometimes, I just wish I can just write all day. I actually don't think I will ever get tired of writing my thoughts. It's like my only escape from the real world. Can you feel how crazy my thoughts are? Most of the time, they just keep on flowing with no valid point.
Wednesday, September 9, 2015
Monday, September 7, 2015
Random morning thoughts
Do you ever just wake up, look in the mirror and feel so beautiful? I'm having one of those mornings right now. Some will probably cringe at what I said but that's okay. This is my blog anyway. Hehe.
I want to tell you a bit more about what's going on in my life today. Well, there are a lot of things that are on my mind right now. I know that I have just written a life update post days ago but it didn't really tell you much. First, my son has grown so much. I know that he's only 2 years and 7 months old but I feel like he has changed a lot. He says a lot of sentences in English now which is a big deal for me because English is not our mother tongue and I don't really have time to teach him anything so I'm really glad that he's picking up a lot of great things from us.
Second, I'm going to be fetching my friend, Jhen, from our hometown and she's going to look after our house for a while while we're at work. I have mentioned on my last post that we have two helpers. One is Anna. She takes care of the house. The other is Rachel. She takes care of Nevan Matthew. Anna will be on vacation for more or less two weeks so Jhen will take her place in the meantime. I'm excited because Jhen is one of my highschool best friends and I'm really glad I'll be able to spend some time with her.
Third, I'm really trying to balance work and family time. I'm trying to focus on my work while also not letting it be my priority because honestly, it is really not the most important thing for me. It is important but it is not the most. All I always think about is Nevan Matthew. I find it unfair that more than one half of my 24 hours per day goes to my work while I only have a few a hours a night, that is also when I'm already tired and sleepy, to spend with my son. Before, all I think about is how I'm going to live with my son while also being able to work. Now, all I think about is how I can spend more time with my son while also earning enough money to live a comfortable life.
I wasn't really able to spend time with my siblings as they grow up. I feel like when I die, they won't even have a memory with me to look back on. I'm thinking of a way to fix that while also trying not to let that happen to me and my son.
Lastly, I feel like I'm seeing a different side of my husband these days. For a few years now, I've been thinking of him as my partner and best friend. I feel like it's been so long since I've looked at him as a romantic partner. I actually can't even remember if I have ever looked at him as a romantic partner. Haha. That's sounds really bad, I know but if we'll look on the good side, since I look at him as my best friend I really can't live without him. Coming from someone who, most of the time, is emotionally unstable like me, that already says a lot about how great he is in taking care of me and right now, I feel like I'm seeing an even greater side of him. Unlike me, he has always looked at me as someone to make love with me. I know. I know. TMI. LOL. But my point is that for four years that we've been together, he never got tired of looking at me. I don't think that's easy. It's easy to fall in love but it's a different story to stay in love. This man is like a saint. Whatever compliment I say is still an understatement to his greatness.
I want to share more things with you guys but I'm already late for work. Thanks for reading.
I want to tell you a bit more about what's going on in my life today. Well, there are a lot of things that are on my mind right now. I know that I have just written a life update post days ago but it didn't really tell you much. First, my son has grown so much. I know that he's only 2 years and 7 months old but I feel like he has changed a lot. He says a lot of sentences in English now which is a big deal for me because English is not our mother tongue and I don't really have time to teach him anything so I'm really glad that he's picking up a lot of great things from us.
Second, I'm going to be fetching my friend, Jhen, from our hometown and she's going to look after our house for a while while we're at work. I have mentioned on my last post that we have two helpers. One is Anna. She takes care of the house. The other is Rachel. She takes care of Nevan Matthew. Anna will be on vacation for more or less two weeks so Jhen will take her place in the meantime. I'm excited because Jhen is one of my highschool best friends and I'm really glad I'll be able to spend some time with her.
Third, I'm really trying to balance work and family time. I'm trying to focus on my work while also not letting it be my priority because honestly, it is really not the most important thing for me. It is important but it is not the most. All I always think about is Nevan Matthew. I find it unfair that more than one half of my 24 hours per day goes to my work while I only have a few a hours a night, that is also when I'm already tired and sleepy, to spend with my son. Before, all I think about is how I'm going to live with my son while also being able to work. Now, all I think about is how I can spend more time with my son while also earning enough money to live a comfortable life.
I wasn't really able to spend time with my siblings as they grow up. I feel like when I die, they won't even have a memory with me to look back on. I'm thinking of a way to fix that while also trying not to let that happen to me and my son.
Lastly, I feel like I'm seeing a different side of my husband these days. For a few years now, I've been thinking of him as my partner and best friend. I feel like it's been so long since I've looked at him as a romantic partner. I actually can't even remember if I have ever looked at him as a romantic partner. Haha. That's sounds really bad, I know but if we'll look on the good side, since I look at him as my best friend I really can't live without him. Coming from someone who, most of the time, is emotionally unstable like me, that already says a lot about how great he is in taking care of me and right now, I feel like I'm seeing an even greater side of him. Unlike me, he has always looked at me as someone to make love with me. I know. I know. TMI. LOL. But my point is that for four years that we've been together, he never got tired of looking at me. I don't think that's easy. It's easy to fall in love but it's a different story to stay in love. This man is like a saint. Whatever compliment I say is still an understatement to his greatness.
I want to share more things with you guys but I'm already late for work. Thanks for reading.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Life Update
I should have written this weeks ago but I was too busy. Even now, I only have 30 minutes to spare so please take in mind that whatever you'll read in this post was not well thought about. Let's begin.
Well, I have a job now. It has made me very busy. I'm trying to finish one day at a time. Let's start with the perks. I really love the challenges and I love how whenever I sit down, I feel so busy that I don't even notice that it's already lunch time. It's like you're at a Casino. Time flies so fast. I really like being busy. Everyday I wake up, I'm already thinking about what I WANT to finish at work. You see, I used "want" instead of "need". That's how much I enjoy my work. I'm really glad that among all the job opportunities I was given, it's the one I chose. It doesn't even matter that I can get charged whenever I make a mistake, In fact, I already have an amount to be deducted from my salary. I'm proud of it because it's my first mistake and it's proof that I'm trying.
Now, let's talk about the bad side of my work that isn't really that bad at all. I just find it hard to be myself but I am working on it. I just have to adjust more. At first, I thought I was just being shy at work because I've been at home talking to a baby for the last two years but then looking back to my childhood, I've always been like this.
I didn't really play with kids at school. During my elementary years, I just roamed around at school during break time instead of joining the others at the playground. I remember that the only reason I kept going to school was because my older brother was going there too and I had no one to play at home. I find it very hard to trust and open up to people. Now, I'm not really a friendless person. In high school, I had a lot of best friends who I still have contact with today. In fact, they even fought about who should really be my "best" friend years ago. They're so funny. I'm really grateful to have such amazing people in my life who've accepted me for who I am.
Now, let's get the topic back to my work. I feel so much older than the people I work with even though we're just of the same age. It's like when they get home, they can just shower, eat then sleep. Whenever I get home, I do all my best to stay awake just to spend time with my son. Whenever they get their salaries, they think about where to spend their money. Whenever I get my salary, I immediately think of ways of how I can save it. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying I feel so different. I'm actually very happy with my life because while some people are still looking for someone to spend the rest of their life with, I already have the benefit of enjoying my little family. It would just be better if there's also someone at work who I can talk family life with. I actually find it comfortable to just stay silent and I really wish I can be like that all day but they always ask if I'm okay so I always try to join the crowd even though I'm really awkward. I'm still trying to think of a way to make things a little better at work because sometimes, it is stressful.
Let's talk about other things.
My husband and I are thinking of buying another phone. We're still thinking of what's best to buy. It's just so both of us can still have access to the internet even at work because right now I'm using a phone that cannot connect to a WiFi. I really want to go back to blogging consistently.
We're with our son now. We got two helpers who will take care of him and of the house because my husband and I are just both really busy. It's refreshing to see my baby whenever I get back from home.
I'm trying to think of ways to help a friend of mine find a job faster but I feel I can't really afford to help her. There's also a lot going on in my life right now. I'm just barely keeping afloat. I just feel so tired right now. I just even realized now that I was so busy that I never had the time to pray. Like literally, just now. Wow! No wonder I was so stressed.
I'll share my prayers with you guys.
Lord, thank you for all the blessings. I actually feel like you've given me so much that it doesn't matter if I got charged at work. It's amazing that we're surviving financially every day while also saving money. Thank you for also helping my family. I know that you're also helping my mother. Even though I always forget to pray, I feel assured that you already to know what I want to pray for. I'm sorry if I'm weak most of the time. I remember praying for a lifetime partner at the young age of 16. It's sounds funny but you gave him to me two years after. I know I'm selfish because I always ask a lot while I'm still unable to help even just one friend... Okay, I'm supposed to write something else but you're so fast. You've already given me the answer in my mind. Okay, I'll do my best to help her. Please show me how. I'll do what I think I should do. Please help me move forward from there. I'm not sure if it's going to help me with what I was supposed to ask but I'm sure there's a reason why you want me to do this. I trust everything in You, our Lord. Please guide me and help the people dear to me. Use me as light so I can guide them too. I am now committing myself as vessel who will never rest. I'll keep awake just for you, our Lord. Thank you for listening to my prayers. I pray all these in Jesus' name. Amen.
Thank you for reading.
Well, I have a job now. It has made me very busy. I'm trying to finish one day at a time. Let's start with the perks. I really love the challenges and I love how whenever I sit down, I feel so busy that I don't even notice that it's already lunch time. It's like you're at a Casino. Time flies so fast. I really like being busy. Everyday I wake up, I'm already thinking about what I WANT to finish at work. You see, I used "want" instead of "need". That's how much I enjoy my work. I'm really glad that among all the job opportunities I was given, it's the one I chose. It doesn't even matter that I can get charged whenever I make a mistake, In fact, I already have an amount to be deducted from my salary. I'm proud of it because it's my first mistake and it's proof that I'm trying.
Now, let's talk about the bad side of my work that isn't really that bad at all. I just find it hard to be myself but I am working on it. I just have to adjust more. At first, I thought I was just being shy at work because I've been at home talking to a baby for the last two years but then looking back to my childhood, I've always been like this.
I didn't really play with kids at school. During my elementary years, I just roamed around at school during break time instead of joining the others at the playground. I remember that the only reason I kept going to school was because my older brother was going there too and I had no one to play at home. I find it very hard to trust and open up to people. Now, I'm not really a friendless person. In high school, I had a lot of best friends who I still have contact with today. In fact, they even fought about who should really be my "best" friend years ago. They're so funny. I'm really grateful to have such amazing people in my life who've accepted me for who I am.
Now, let's get the topic back to my work. I feel so much older than the people I work with even though we're just of the same age. It's like when they get home, they can just shower, eat then sleep. Whenever I get home, I do all my best to stay awake just to spend time with my son. Whenever they get their salaries, they think about where to spend their money. Whenever I get my salary, I immediately think of ways of how I can save it. I'm not complaining. I'm just saying I feel so different. I'm actually very happy with my life because while some people are still looking for someone to spend the rest of their life with, I already have the benefit of enjoying my little family. It would just be better if there's also someone at work who I can talk family life with. I actually find it comfortable to just stay silent and I really wish I can be like that all day but they always ask if I'm okay so I always try to join the crowd even though I'm really awkward. I'm still trying to think of a way to make things a little better at work because sometimes, it is stressful.
Let's talk about other things.
My husband and I are thinking of buying another phone. We're still thinking of what's best to buy. It's just so both of us can still have access to the internet even at work because right now I'm using a phone that cannot connect to a WiFi. I really want to go back to blogging consistently.
We're with our son now. We got two helpers who will take care of him and of the house because my husband and I are just both really busy. It's refreshing to see my baby whenever I get back from home.
I'm trying to think of ways to help a friend of mine find a job faster but I feel I can't really afford to help her. There's also a lot going on in my life right now. I'm just barely keeping afloat. I just feel so tired right now. I just even realized now that I was so busy that I never had the time to pray. Like literally, just now. Wow! No wonder I was so stressed.
I'll share my prayers with you guys.
Lord, thank you for all the blessings. I actually feel like you've given me so much that it doesn't matter if I got charged at work. It's amazing that we're surviving financially every day while also saving money. Thank you for also helping my family. I know that you're also helping my mother. Even though I always forget to pray, I feel assured that you already to know what I want to pray for. I'm sorry if I'm weak most of the time. I remember praying for a lifetime partner at the young age of 16. It's sounds funny but you gave him to me two years after. I know I'm selfish because I always ask a lot while I'm still unable to help even just one friend... Okay, I'm supposed to write something else but you're so fast. You've already given me the answer in my mind. Okay, I'll do my best to help her. Please show me how. I'll do what I think I should do. Please help me move forward from there. I'm not sure if it's going to help me with what I was supposed to ask but I'm sure there's a reason why you want me to do this. I trust everything in You, our Lord. Please guide me and help the people dear to me. Use me as light so I can guide them too. I am now committing myself as vessel who will never rest. I'll keep awake just for you, our Lord. Thank you for listening to my prayers. I pray all these in Jesus' name. Amen.
Thank you for reading.
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