A Flower That Blooms In Adversity

If you’re familiar with the title of my post then you are probably awesome. This is an excerpt from the wonderful Disney movie called “Mulan”. Correct me if I’m wrong but it was mentioned twice in the movie. It was said first by the Emperor of China and then by the father of Mulan. The flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and most beautiful of all.

When I was a kid, I loved playing under the rain. Our neighbors often forbid their children to go out while my siblings and I always did what we wanted. There was one particular time that I got curious why my other playmates were not allowed outside so I asked my mom.

 “Can we play under the rain?”

“It’s up to you” my mom said.

I saw the disapproval in the expression of her face.

“If she doesn’t want to let us go, why doesn’t she even try to stop us?” I thought.

It might seem like I had the best childhood years but I didn’t. We were allowed to do whatever it was that we wanted but whenever we did do something that was wrong, we were given physical punishments. It was like she was taking out all her anger for other people on us. She became the same as those she hated so much - her parents. I hated her too because she let herself become a monster just like them. In fact, I think I still do. Those punishments did not leave scars on our skins. No. The marks are only in my heart. I might have understood everything if only I was given a proper explanation and not the one that included blaming other people. It’s ironic because I’m also doing it now.

I’m sure my mom loves us. She just didn’t show it enough to us or I probably just didn’t see it. I don’t always hate her. There were times that I was very sweet to her. I just really am very sensitive. The people we love the most are also often the ones who hurt us the most and vice versa. I love my husband more than I love myself but I also hurt him a lot. I can see that he loves me a lot too because he always chooses to stay.

My dad was no better than my mom but the difference is that I respected him. A few days before he died, he told me something that my mom and siblings didn’t even know of. He said that we just have to graduate and he would finally stop using drugs. I know that he should have said that he would stop right there and then but all I really care about is that he was thinking of changing. I don’t know how my mom had suffered under his roof but he had something she didn’t - the hope to change.

It’s amazing how the sins of the parents are passed on to their children. It’s an endless cycle. I think I’m almost near to becoming a monster too. I did not intend to use this post to bash my parents nor my grandparents. This is just my way of asking for help. I hated so many people that I have almost started to hate myself.

I have often asked God why I wasn’t able to grow up like normal children, why I was born poor and why I was born to such foolish parents. Some people thought that we were rich because our first house and lot were a little bigger than of those who were around us while our second house was small but well furnished and is connected to our “for rent” space and apartment. What they don’t know is that we’re not only poor in money but we are also poor in love.  I have thought that if only I had loving people as my parents, ones who were also financially stable, I would have grown up as a different woman. I have also wondered why other families who have a hard time making ends meet are still able to have a happy life. How come they still love each other despite of their situation? I always ask why I have to be around people who are well off and happy. I may not seem like a religious person but I do pray a lot. I ask a lot of questions. In fact, most of the time my prayer consists of only questions.

I have blamed a lot of people for so long. My in-laws have also offended me in ways they’re not even aware of. I probably am just too sensitive. I have honestly hoped for a brand new set of family but the grudges I have held won’t give that to me. I’m always wondering why no one in this world won’t dare say sorry to me. I think that’s the closure that I need – just a simple “sorry”.

You probably think that this post is just pure sad. I’m going to disappoint you because you haven’t read my ending yet. If there is something good that my father has taught me, it’s that there is hope to change. There ARE a lot of people who care about me and it’s time that I focus on them instead of on my misfortunes. Lucky me, I was born smart. Yes, I am. There’s a reason why I’m still breathing. My mom is still alive because my siblings still need her and probably also because we haven’t patched up yet. My dad is gone because he has already fulfilled his purpose. We sometimes don’t believe but God truly has a reason for everything. We’re just dots on a much larger picture. Whenever I pray, I don’t get answers through any magical or mysterious way. God always puts the answers in my head. He gives me the knowledge to answer them myself.  As it was said by Professor Charles in the movie “X-men: Days of Future Past”, the future is never truly set. I still have a chance to be a flower that blooms in adversity. As for my mother, I hope that she will finally have the courage to apologize to me directly to give me the chance to do the same to her. A text message is enough. There isn’t a lot for us to talk about if she calls.

Thank you, my Lord, for giving me another great story to post.

And, thank you, my readers, for donating your time and mouse clicks on my blog. I hope I’m able to inspire you today.

Here is a childish drawing I did (on the application “Paint”) of me smiling, of my husband holding three balloons and a bouquet of flowers behind him and of my son jumping for joy just because his parents are happy.